When writing a tribute of reminiscence for one whose longevity is so immense, I’ve discovered and accepted the fact that “writing too much”—often becomes just another verse of “I Wonder As I Wander”… So HERE GOES!!
Ethel Collins Bray (1922-2020) was a rare person. I’m still
carefully studying the exact genealogical connections between her and I; after
all when one says “cousin” in referring to a family member, the presumption is
that the connection is intragenerational. Ethel Bray was a first cousin of my paternal
grandmother, Ethel Lee Jones Holley; the “direct” family connection is to be
found on the maternal side of that limb of a magnificent branch of the family tree--from Emma Longs Collins to
Ethel Lee Jones Holley!! She was diminutive in stature but towering
in attitude, quick of tongue and wit yet still warm and engaging. Around family
she was consistent to remind us all that “she was the oldest of the gang”,
which elicited the usual response from us: laughter and the rolling of eyes to
the side, but it didn’t change a thing. We all were loved, accepted, admired
and always welcome in her home when we made numerous trips to Columbus, Ohio to
visit. When she was a little girl my paternal grandfather, M. Q. Holley Sr.
told my aunts and uncles to “treat Ethel as your sister”—which they did, and
over the years more than a few memories of their childhood days on West Eight Mile
Road in Detroit trickled down three generations to a few of us “additional
cousins”!!
First, I should clarify one matter of word pronunciation: we
didn’t call her “Cousin Ethel”; over time the word as a title became “Cudd’n”,
giving the familial term additional endearment. The earliest Eight Mile Road memory
I recall involved some meat my grandmother put in a pot to slow-cook, with
directions for Ethel to make sure it didn’t dry out. Apparently once it had cooked
sufficiently, the fellas (my uncles Major, Harold and Oscar) couldn’t keep from
tasting the meat, 'bit by bit. By the time my grandmother returned home only about
1/8th of the original piece of meat remained in the pot!! Those regular exchanges of
banter over “who was in charge” amongst the kids while my grandparents were out
and about in a normal day--lasted well into adulthood and extended far and wide throughout the family village structure!!
Cudd’n Ethel was born in Columbus, Ohio and came to Detroit
after her mother and aunt passed away. “M. Q. and Cousin Ethel” (as Cuddn’ Ethel
referred to my grandmother!!) took her in—that’s what family does when “push
comes to shove”. Cuddn’ Ethel told me once that her mouth (and her “fas’ behavior”) and
capricious commuting between Detroit and Columbus eventually caused M. Q. to
issue an ultimatum: she could not play “travel ping-pong back and forth on US-23:
Detroit, Michigan or Columbus, Ohio"!! She chose Columbus, and the rest, indeed…is
history. Her husband Norman Bray was one of the coolest, mild-mannered men I
can remember ever having met. The funniest recollection of him that I have is
from a visit that must have happened in the mid-1970s. Like many metropolitan
areas around the United States, Interstate Highway 70 had cut a path through the east side
of Columbus. Cuddn’ Ethel, Norman and their daughter Carole had moved to
another house not far from historic Hanford Village, a once-thriving African
American community. My family rode to Columbus but had to meet Cousin Norm downtown--in
front of the Ohio State House (you can’t miss that landmark!!). We got to the State
House and waited for Cousin Norm to show; back then he drove a black 1976 Oldsmobile
Delta 88 Sedan that was sharp!!—austere yet immaculately stylish, second to no
other vehicle in the neighborhood!! Norm pulls up in front of the State House
on Broad Street but across from where we were parked waiting for him. The
street is wide—wide enough that he had to make a U-turn to pull over alongside.
Just as he was fixin’ to make the turn, this young lady--“a fine young thing”--skips
across the sidewalk over to his car…and GETS IN!! We’re watching all that from
across the street wondering “what’s goins’ on”?? She sits in the front
passenger’s seat for a few seconds chatting with him, then politely gets out of
the car and flitters (or “flutters”!!) off. Norm does the U-turn and pulls over
to meet us with a sheepish grin on his face, pulls away…and we follow him to
the house. Both back then and now…the hilarity and laughter over that “grand encounter”
remains legendary!! A good belly-laugh was HAD BY ALL!!
Cuddn’ Ethel attended Columbus East High School and went to
work for Chemical Abstracts Service, where she must have worked for nearly
fifty years. (There are some questions we young’uns knew not to be too nosey to
ask; after all, we’re not the FBI!!) My cousin Terry Reeder attended Capital
University (BA ‘80), a few blocks away from her and Norm and worked in Columbus
before moving to Detroit. During his postgraduate years my cousin Charminn Ford also lived there briefly as well—cousins from three different “family tree branches”
all right there!!
Each fall the Wolverines and the Buckeyes met on the football
field to settle the score for the next year of trash-talking!! Cuddn’ Ethel,
Aunt Sophie, Uncle Oscar, my Dad, my cousins Terry and Diane Reeder would have
their annual “fan-duel” in session during and after the game!! (I understand that a
friendly wager of two dollars to the winner was also part of the festivity—at least between Ethel and
Oscar!!)
When I joined the faculty at North Carolina Central
University, I learned about two interesting facets of the “small world degrees
of separation” amongst colleagues in African American higher education: several
of my colleagues had taken their advanced degrees from either Michigan State
University (across town from where I grew up!!) or The Ohio State University!! (Backyard
Rivalry 1.0!!) OSU also had a “graduate school recruitment relationship” with
NCCU’s archrival, the Aggies of North Carolina Agricultural and
Technical State University!! (Backyard Rivalry 2.0!!) During the first of two University
Honors Program “field trips” from Durham to Columbus to attend the OSU Graduate
School HBCU Visitation Weekend, I
would learn that school and sports rivalries are often founded in class
distinctions and stratified relationships...‘an intense and strangely
unregulated competitive arena!! They also are quite intriguingly rooted in
close relationships as well. I remember very well
the “Ten Year War” between Woody Hayes and Bo Schembechler—the great teacher-coach
and his former student, graduate assistant and assistant coach now leading “that
school up North”!! I often say to Buckeye football fans “you know, this is ALL
Woody’s fault”!! In life off the gridiron the two men were the closest of
friends, but their desire to teach and coach to their highest abilities set
them at odds one with the other—on the last weekend of each November. (By the
way, two students who attended the OSU Grad Fair went on to do graduate work at
OSU!! I digress, ‘but not TOO much!!)
At that grad school fair I met an OSU doctoral student, composer
and instant colleague named Mark A. Lomax, who I bonded with over a cello piece
he had written. Years later (April 2019) he invited me to perform a work of
his at OSU (talk about “comic irony”!!), which I did…and Cuddn’ Ethel was in
the audience (at age 96!!) for a full concert of cello and piano music of African
American composers. My longtime friend, colleague and U-M pianist Karen Walwyn
shared the concert with me—a musical victory for the Wolverines just a few
blocks from the Horseshoe!! I once talked with Cuddn’ Ethel about her memory of
having heard the Duke Ellington Orchestra perform live in Columbus in the early
1960s with Major playing bass!! (I recorded the conversation for my own oral history
archives; if I can share it via FB I will do so…but I’ll have to preview it
first!!)
After the concert at OSU my family and Ethel went out for
dinner near campus. They were all seated when Leslie and I arrived to join
them, and Ethel was seated at the head of the table—because room was needed for
her cart. She had ordered her meal first, and her salad arrived right after we
sat down. She was talking to us all—or maybe to Mark or Millie—'and pointing
her steak knife above her plate!! We saw this…and ALL FELL OUT LAUGHING!! There
was neither moment nor occasion where her wit and timing didn’t run AND steal the
show!! Meals with Ethel and Carole at their home always moved in constant motion and at record pace!!
She’d cook and announce when the meal was ready, and the cleanup would be in
motion barely ten minutes after the meal had begun!! They didn’t dine in the
French or Italian traditions!! SAVOR FAST!!
Leslie and I traveled to Chicago that summer (2019) for a “Tim
to work but Leslie to relax and reunion” trip. I went to attend and perform at the
Centennial Meeting of NANM, the National Association of Negro Musicians (who
held their inaugural meeting one week before the infamous Chicago Race Riot during
the “Red Summer” of 1919). We spent the first two days prior to the conference visiting
Leslie’s longtime friends, Gary and Eugenia Giles, Leslie’s Aunt Lois Gray in
Gary, Indiana—and took in a performance of “Hamilton” right after
the NANM meeting was finished. A wonderful week was had by all!! On our way
back to North Carolina we stopped in Indianapolis to visit my brother Mark and
his wife Zander--and in Groveport, Ohio to visit Cuddn’ Ethel. It was Leslie’s second
meeting with Ethel; they had bonded right away during a 2018 visit, not long before
she moved into the Brookdale Senior Living Community. The house had become too
much for her to maintain after her daughter Carole passed in 2017. On that
visit she ribbed me constantly on account of the midlife belly I’ve been
carrying, saying “get rid of it”!! I think of her admonition daily—and I will
do so…eventually one way or the other!! On another visit she told me “Hey, I’ve
got money!! Let’s go out for lunch!!” I had spoken with Mark by phone the day
before, and he mentioned to me that he’d taken her to do some banking a day or
two earlier, and to be sure she didn’t forget where she’d placed her cash. Once she and I began talking about having lunch, it turned out that we were closer to the
front lobby than her room. I ended up taking her out to Wendy’s so I could get
a quick bite of lunch because it was taking too long to for her to remember where she'd put her money “for
her treat” to her nephew!! Needless to say it was a funny but sobering moment
for me.
In September 2019 I was summoned to Ann Arbor, Michigan to join
my longtime friend Louise Toppin and perform at the conference on African American
music “Reflecting On The Past, Projecting Toward the Future, II” that
she graciously hosted at The University of Michigan School of Music, Theater and
Dance. As always, a grand time was had by all!! That entire trip was full of visits too wonderful to give complete description; six months later all
travel worldwide would cease and all social events became the public health risks
and perils we still lament and have to accept as facts of daily life. On my way back to
North Carolina, of course I stopped in Groveport, Ohio to see Cuddn’ Ethel; since
I had my cello with me, I gave an impromptu performance just for her in the
lobby!! Since I had arrived during the Bingo game hour (just before dinner!!),
so Ethel made an announcement welcoming me and summoned all the gathered residents
to listen to my concert!! I played for about 15-20 minutes, and at the close of
my performance she announced to everyone that the concert was over!! I wish she
had hooked her announcements up to my PayPal account!! I had dinner afterward with her “dining
crew”, five other ladies all of whom were pistols just like her!! They all had
stories that were moving, insightful and endearing to hear. But Cuddn’ Ethel still
dictated the quality of mealtime in grace and style!! It was a joyous,
hilarious and deeply meaningful time spent.
Whenever my family would visit Columbus, it would always be
a brief matter of time before I began to browse her record collection. While I
played only few of them on her stereo, she was always quick to notice and express
her appreciation of my musical curiosities. Two years ago she told me, “I want you
to have all my records”; on one of my now-infrequent “Midnight NASCAR road trips”
I went to get them. I was
astounded to see some of the musicians—vocalists and instrumentalists, many of
whom she’d seen perform live when they came to town.
Our times move so fast, from going to hear live music to seeing it happen virtually due to the shutdown. I’ve begun calling the era prior to 13 March 2020 the “beFo' Times”, and still wonder what the “AftaTimes” will eventually become once the COVID-19 vaccine is proven to be effective and consistently safe for public health globally. It is the strangest means of human bonding: social distancing for fear of “manslaughter by abject negligence”. Nevertheless, we are forced to remember the words of the Biblical 90th Psalm, either in part or whole: “Our days may come to seventy years, or eighty, if our strength endures; yet the best of them are but trouble and sorrow, for they quickly pass, and we fly are away… 'Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.”
I am, and my family village stands thankful to the
Lord for the ninety-eight years of faithful and enduring strength given to #EthelBlueGown
#NobleLady, and for the nobility of her life and bearing as the “oldest” of her adopted
siblings, their children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, stepchildren (and
“play-cousins”, of course!!)
“May the favor of the Lord our God rest on us; establish the work of our hands for us—yes, establish the work of our hands.” (Psalm 90:17) AMEN.
